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Saturday, 23 April 2016

Team Rize showz da oppressive mehnz!

So, today I gotz an email from Team Rize. They want us to meet in town for AN ACTION!!!

We'z gonna go some nasty stuffs to da system right now (or as soon as mum getz her act together and getz me my crunchy nut cornflakes on dat tray!).

I switch the telly over to Dave so's I can tell mum about how patriarchal and stuffs Jeremy "Stale Male" Clarkson iz. She rolls her eyes in a patronising way. I'm going to contactz the Young Team and suggest we plan a demo against the patronising old peoplez who are oppressing us.

I grab my rucksack (mum has wrapped my sandwiches, Haribo and Irn Broo in tin foil. I go crazeeee at her disregard for my being green on the outside and redz on the inside like a big watermelon (I suggested at our Rize Young Team Circle that we should get badges and teeshirts made with water melonz on them with big axes sticking out of them to symbolise what mehnz are doing to our planet. I noticed at Victoria park yesterday that it was mostly the mehnz doing the park cleaning. This council is just sexist. Can't women cleanz?)

I throw my cereal bowl into the sink as my """mother""" oppresses me about my room and dishes and meaningless shit. Doesn't she know we activists are working hard to SAVE THE PLANET FROM CAPITALIST PIGS LIKE HER???)

I manage to get on the train without paying. The capitalists will not get my money (I want to getz my hair dyed and a pair of DM's).

Aaaaaagh! The capitalist pig mehnz have barriers at Queen St Station and I'm forced to pay _£2.20_!!!

Da crew is gathered with the Rize bannerz and felt tip penz. We gonna change this world!

The mission today is secret. Wee Craigy (cool for an older guy- heez nearly 25!!!!) haz brought a mic and a battery powered speaker. We gonna show dose pale male stale MEHNZ who's da boss!

Craigy tellz us we are going to highlight Rize'z opposition to the exploitation of people from the mehnz who make our lives so shit. I tell him he is a honourable sister. He rolls his eyes and smiles. I'm glad he is on our side. He is so clever. And he is part of Team Rize!

By the way, if you don't know what Rize is, where have you been? We've been taking the fight for the sisterhood against capitalist pale male stale peepulz across Twitter and Facebook. We are going to get amazing sisters (and bruvverz) from Team Rize who brought the party together and kinda rulz us in a non-patriarchal capitalisty way into the Parliamentz. He sayz our parentz and the old mehnz who ruled da movement before Team Rize took over in a democratic way, were stale and mostly male and all pale. I'm glad I know lotz of peepulz who isn't pale male and STALE!

Kill da mehnz

Onywayz (if my working class writing bugz you, fuck right of. I wiz brought up near to Glasgow. Itz da language of da street and in Milngavie we just say fuck right off and stop OPPRESSING ME!!!!)

Craigy leads us into KFC and we shout at the oppressed workers about not paying tax. And I cry beside someone's cardboard box full of dead chicky wicky wingz.

Kfc must be one of the most worst capitalist patriarchal patronising pale male stale places I have beenz to! (I will be telling mum to stop oppressing me and my wee bruvver, Angus, wif dead corpses of chickenz and tax avoiding beardy white mehnz stuff every Friday night. Itz Pizza Hut for me from now on!).

At the end of the day we post pics of Craigy and da cool kidz standing on KFC tablez. I love da face of the capitalist wummin whose bag of chips I stood on. She got ketchup all over her tracky top as my black Vans with the sparkly sequinz stomped the capitalist muck into the table.

As usual onTwitter the oppression from the pale mehnz beginz. I know we are doing the right thing when people call us naive idiots and I know we have educated peepulz what a better Scotland can be.


  1. Wow, you talk some amount of shite.

  2. Are you ok Neil? Did you have a stroke or something?

  3. How is trying to make yourself feel important working out for you?

  4. Here, Neil... No one gives a fuck.

  5. Thanks for the comments. Chill! Learn to laugh at yourself! Remember- parody is flattery (though a parody Twitter account really shouldn't be run by the people it is parodying!)

    And yes- the polls are proving your last comment to be very true.


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