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Sunday, 24 April 2016

Billy Shakespeare...

...from Belfast...

JULIUS CAESAR  ACT III  SCENE II (Mark Antony’s funeral speech By Billy Shakespeare – the Grammatically correct version)

Antony:     Hi biy’s, fella’ Ulstermeyn, c’mere de a tell yis. Jist listin’ t’ m’I'm here te bery Ceasar, nat te bum an’ blow about’m.

Win pe’pil are bawd win thir livin, ye remember it win thir dead.
Ye niver remember if thiv dun good things.

The same with yer maun here.  Good oul’ Brutus towl’ yis that Ceasar hawd a wee bit’ove a wire about himself.

If that wis right, it wis a bit of a failin’ and well, he’s bloody well paid fer it.

Anyway, with Brutuses an’ his mates permission, ‘Cause Brutus isina bawd fella’, and so’s his mates, all of them aren’t bawd fellas, I’m here to give Ceasar a bit of a sendaff.

He wis a good oul’mate of mine, nivir let m’ down an’ wis a fair minded mawn, mind you in my opinyin;

But Brutus say’s he hawd a wee bit’ove a wire about himself, an’ Brutus isina bawd fella.

He took a lot’ive prisners back here te , gettin’ a bit’ive money fur the cumyunity frum ransims n’ all; wis that the acshin of a somebody with a wire about thimselves?

Win poor pe’pil wir cryin’, Ceasar wis bloody well waypin’;
If yiv a bit of a wire about yerself yid think y’ wudn’t b’ such a big pansy;
But Brutus say’s he hawd a wee bit’ove a wire about himself;

An’ Brutus isin a bawd fella.

All’ive yis saw m’ at the parade w’in three times I tried te make ‘im lead!

An’ the three times he toul mi’ te git away from about him. Wis that somebody wi a bit of a wire about himself?

But Brutus said he hawd a wee bit’ove a wire about himself, an’ sure Brutus isina bawd fella’.

I’m not here te call Brutus a liar, I kyin only say what I know.

Yis all thought he wis a great fella’ not so long ago, an’ well ye might’ve thought that.

What, then is stapin’ yis frum mournin’ him?<->

Sure the wile animals must have all the judgemint, an’ men have lost her wit
Bear with m’;

Ach, houl’ on to a gather m’self, a keep thinkin’ about yermaun in the box, there, an’ a have te try to stap.

1 Pleb:     Y’ know, he might b’ right there.

2 Pleb:     Aye, if ye think about it, a think pe’pil’ive bin a wee bit hard on oul’ Ceasar

3 Pleb:     Houl on, ye boy ye!  I think thir might be worse t’ come after’m
4 Pleb:     Have y’ bin listnin’?  He didn’t wan te be head’ove the parade an’ I don’t think he hawd a wire about himself atall.

1 Pleb:     If that’s right, somebody will have te pay fer it.

2 Pleb:     Look at that poor fella’ up there, his eyes are raw with cryin’.

3 Pleb:     There’s not a better fella’ in than yer maun Antony, up there.

4 Pleb:     Houl yer wisht!  Give my head peace! He’s startin’ to spake again.

Antony:     Yistry what Ceasar said wud’ive bin heard all over the place, an’wud’ive bin lisin de, an’ now he’s in a bax, so he is.  An’ thir’s nobody wi’a good word’ove’m.

Look, if I wis here to turn yis, ad be doin’ Brutus an’ Cassius a bawd service, so a wud, an’ thir not bawd fellas, as yis know.

A wudn’t turn yis ag’inst thim, I’d rather spake bawd of the dead, an’ indaid’ove m’self an’ yerselves, than spake bawd of such great fella’s.

But a have a wee bit a’ paper here in Ceasars han’ writin’, it wis in his wardrobe, a’ll tell yis, thisisis will.

If any’ove yis cud see what he has on it, but a’m sorry a’m not goin’ t’ read it t’yis by the way, yis wud all go an’ kiss Ceasars cuts, an’ yis wud dip yer hankies in his holy blood, an’ b’lookin’ t’ have a bit of his hair for te remember him with, an’ win youse wud die yis would leave it to yer childer, so yis wud.

4 Pleb:     Go on yerself, read it Mark Antony.

All:  Read the will!  We wanna hear Ceasars Will!

Antony:     Houl on, lads, fer play te ye, but I can’t read it. It wudn’t be right fer yis t’ know the good word’ove yis Ceasar hawd, so it wudn’t.

Yis aren’t made’ove wood, or stones, yis are flesh an’ blood, an’ if yis were t’ hear  Ceasars Will, yis wid go aff yer heads!  Hones te God, yis wud go mad!

Yis don’t need to know that yis are benifishyuries, fir if yis did, I cudn’t tell yis what wud happen.

4 Pleb:     C’mon fukyi’!  Tell us what’s in Ceasars Will.

Antony:     Houl’ on a minute.  A shud’ve kept m’bake shut, ave bin slabberin’ too much.  A’m givin them boy’s a bit of a bawd doin’, hem there boys that stabbed Ceasar, so a am.

All:  The Will!  The Will!

2 Pleb:     They’re a bunch’ive murderin’ bastards; read the bloody thing!

Antony:     So yis want me t’ read the will, do yis?  Will c’mere round Ceasars body in a circle an’ take a look at the man what wrote this.  Will a come down there?  Is that all right?

All:  Come on down!

2 Pleb:     Aye, come on down.            Antony comes down.

3 Pleb:     Aye, it’s all right.

4 Pleb:     C’mon everybody, get in a circle.

1 Pleb:     Git back frum the hearse, keep back a bit frum the body.

2 Pleb:     Stan’ back a bit, give the fella’ a bit’ive room.

Antony:     Stap pushin’ mi, fer fuksake.  Get back a bit.

All:  Git back a bit, c’mon make a bit’ive room!


 (Nb: I wrote this back in the early '90's)

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